X Amount of Words
by theRAZZ
Summary: She wasn't much of a lady, and he sure as hell wasn't a knight in shining armor. When bad dreams leave the Commander restless she turns to the self-assured pilot for companionship, realizing feelings that could very well hamper her next mission...
1. Sleepless Nights

**A/N**: This is just a little fic I'm using as an excuse to live out my Shoker fantasies... -sigh- Anyway, pretty much starts in the near the end of the game, with some flashbacks. The story pretty much follows Commander (Lynn) Shepard and Joker, with a chapter for each important member of the crew. Just want to work on developing characters and relationships and all that good stuff! Anyway, 'tis all! Hope it's a good read (and a good addition to the lack of Shoker fics). The ME universe and most characters were created and owned by Bioware, ruler of all that is amazing in this world! 3

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**01| Sleepless Nights**

(_ S h e p a r d_ )

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It was the same repetitive sound as always. Every night when I closed my eyes to sleep it was the sound of the same dream starting up once again. It was the same ratta-tat-tat as always, the same sound that would never cease to haunt me. _Ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat_. Always the same. It would grow louder, echoing through my mind like scream in a great chasm. Eventually the sound would become clearer and familiar…and terrifying. The black void behind my eyelids would eventually dissolve, displaying a scene I always dreaded to see. From the depths of my mind, an old wound would rise, fields of green grass and yellow flowers, gentle breezes and lazy clouds in blue skies, the bah of little sheep carrying across the wind to little ears of children running after one another, their giggles and shrieks echoing…always echoing, always haunting. But that same sound would break through the gentle scene, the tranquility would be broken. The fields would be set tainted, green and yellow stained with red, the sky would be ablaze, brilliant hues of orange and red with plumes of black smoke rising up darkening the colors. The sheep were silent, the breeze was halted, the children were screaming.

Every time there was a little girl standing in the middle of the field, watching with wide blue eyes, blood running down the side of her face. She watched in horror as her friends were taken by strange looking men. Too scared to move, like a deer in headlights, she stood frozen, watching as bright beams flew past her, ripping through flesh of those around her. And it was from a far off place that I would watch her, helpless to do anything, afraid of the gatling guns and the heavily armored men and their angry faces and their sharp teeth. It was from far away, like a ghost, that I would watch in horror as the men snatched the little girl and took her away, lost forever. I tried to scream, I tried to move from my hiding place, I wanted to save the little girl…but what could I possibly do? They'd kill me too, or worse, snatch me up with the others.

And when the screaming stopped and all fell silent and still, all I could hear still was that same _ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat…_

And like every night, I would wake up with a scream caught in my throat, a scream that I was never able to let go. A scream that would be forever trapped within me, to remind me of the agony of watching my loved ones mowed down and taken from me. My eyes flared open, a terrible pain upon my chest as I desperately tried to gasp for air and thrash out of my covers. My body refused to move, it was as if something heavy was sitting upon my chest, mocking me. Panic quickly began to swiftly take over me as I struggled to breath, knuckles white from my fingers tightly grasping the sheets beneath me. Inside my mind I was screaming at myself, _breath damnit! _But my throat was tightly constricted, refusing to take in any air, or expel any. I was stuck in a paralysis and I was helpless against myself. After about a minute of feeling my heart pound angrily against my chest and start to draw to a slow pace with each passing second, my body began to relax, my throat opened and air came to my lungs.

With control returning to my body, quickly I flung the covers off me, nearly throwing myself off the bed. Wincing as bare feet touched down on the cold metal floor. My mind was racing, yet another night with paralysis, it was as if I had an old hag sitting upon my chest. Rubbing the spot that had ached, my blue eyes stared off at the brightly glowing holo-screen upon my desk, it flickered, blue light illuminating the dark cabin. Recalling the nightmare, instinctively, hands went to my face, nerve wracked and still slightly shaking from the imaginary terror that had aroused within me. The nightmares were constant, if it wasn't reliving the tragedy of my youth, it was the watching millions of living beings destroyed by synthetic life forms. Take your pick, neither was any better than the other. The terrors were more…rare, and bothersome. It was the oddest thing, but every time I awoke, frozen and terrified something bad usually followed suit. My gut turned horribly just thinking about that. In my current situation, expecting the worse was an occupational hazard, but, sometimes the feeling was different. Thinking about it made me feel…hollow inside.

Rubbing my eyes, trying to go back to sleep was probably something I should do, seeing as I had a very important task ahead of me. But the idea of facing my inner demons behind closed lids didn't sound very appealing. I never felt comfortable in my own bed, my own skin, after this and the last thing I wanted to do was lie down and be alone. Legs swiftly carried me across my cabin towards my desk, fingers lingering at the edge of the cool metal. My eyes hovered briefly over the screen flickering with hazy letters. I brought a finger up, touching the screen, a soft ping alerted me to a new message. Touching the screen once more over the message icon, it opened, revealing a letter from a very _kind,_ and _caring_ man. I sighed, glimpsing over the words, eloquently put but failed to mask the anger and disproval hidden beneath them. I closed the message, not really in the mood to deal with political matters and how I probably sealed the fate of the galaxy fifty years from now by not committing genocide. Funny how the endangerment of the entire galaxy brought people closer together.

My fingers went to touch more icons, probably find my way to old letters sent from home, but they stopped, hovering an inch away from the screen. The sense of loneliness began to creep through me once more and sitting in the dark reading letters that usually left me feeling sad no longer sounded appealing. Without much thought, I began to search for my clothes, pulling on pants and boots as quickly as I could, smoothing the wrinkles of my shirt. At this time, there weren't many people who cared much for appearance and no one to make comments about my disheveled look. Most times I took great care to make sure my uniform was perfect, not a single wrinkle or crease, my hair would be perfectly maintained, combed and shaped. Right now my hair probably looked a mess, a heap of ebony pushed about, strands brushing over my face where my bangs would normally be swept to the side in a classy wave. It was one of the few, and to the crew, rare moments when I'd break rank and not give a damn. With all we had been through, they weren't much of a judging crowd at this time.

It was remarkably silent in the mess hall, despite the fact that we were running with a full crew and then some. I had come to accept the natural silence of our ship, what with an over-sized core stuffed into the back of a ship, one would think it would be much louder. But it was remarkably silent, to the point you'd have to wonder if the ship was even moving. When I first spent the night on the Normandy, it was unnerving, the silence driving me near insane. It was worse when you had to sleep in those pods.

As the door to the cabin hissed open and I stepped into the mess hall, I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to the narrow area with the sleep pods. Shuddering I recalled my experience in the pods, the cramped space, silence…it was a horrible combination. I wasn't necessarily claustrophobic, it was just unsettling to be cramped in there, and then to suddenly wake up and smacking my face upon the pod door.

It was empty, usually there was one or two people sitting around, usually taking their breaks, keeping themselves awake with a cup of coffee. Strangely, no one was here. I must have missed them. Pity, I did enjoy taking time to get to know my late night crew. Instead of sitting at the main table, I took the familiar route towards the bridge. Taking each step one at a time as I tried to figure out what I was going to do to pass the time. I could play with the navigation map, maybe look for something useful, maybe some kind of clue…Even though the navigation map was fresh on my mind, somehow I managed to bypass it anyway, instead heading straight for the one place I always managed to wind up on sleepless nights like this. The only noise coming from bridge was the beeps of the automatic systems. Orange screens flickered as I walked past, the CIC was quiet as well, with the usual two guards at the doors and a crewman or two checking over the systems to ensure they were still operating per usual. The only place in the ship that was never empty except for brief amounts of time was the bridge, as the helmsman was remarkably dedicated to his job, if not me, at least to the ship. You had to admire his love for the Normandy.

The man in the pilot's seat hardly paid any mind to my presence as I slunk down into the co-pilot's seat to his right. His hazel eyes flickering over the multiple screens before him. On occasion he'd mumble something to himself or let off a heavy sigh, fingers flying over the holographic keyboard as he pulled up new screens and pushed aside others. Whether he chose to ignore me or was simply just too absorbed into whatever it was he was looking at, was beyond me. I leaned forward in the seat, activating the console before me and began checking over things. Screens covering the ship and her various systems came up standard, other ones I had to bring up on my own. Fingers flying quickly over icons and keys, eventually I found the files I was looking for and began riffling through them.

"You're not seriously going to look over the mission reports _again_ are you?" His voice cut through the silence, startling me for a moment as I had begun to focus on reading the old reports. There was a tone, one that was almost skeptical as well as annoyed. From the corner of my eye I could see him leaning back somewhat in his seat, he must have glanced over for a moment as his eyes were still focused on his own screens. That or he was just assuming what I was doing, as it was what I did every time I ventured here when I couldn't sleep. I could understand his annoyance, as he was the one that filed the reports, checking to make sure absolutely everything was in order. He was thorough, there was really no reason for me to check them again, but I couldn't help myself.

With a shrug, I focused on my screens again, reading over the details of the Eden Prime report I had written awhile back. How that report had changed so much…

"I told you once, I'll tell you again, they are _fine_. F-I-N-E. Fine. Will you stop looking them over?" A hand went to the cap upon his head, adjusting it in the slightest so the bill was tilted upwards. He looked over at me, a seemingly irritated look upon his face, "Or do you just lack faith in my organization skills?"

"If I did I would have told you, Lieutenant." I said with a flat tone, eyes flickering over each word until I reached the end, moving on to the next report, and then the next. I honestly don't know why I looked over these things all the time, maybe I was just too paranoid, maybe I was afraid I missed a detail. What if I forgot to mention something important!? Oh God, I was so detail oriented… "I'm just…making sure I didn't miss anything."

He scoffed, turning away from me and pressing himself against the back of his seat. Crossing his arms over his chest, he shook his head, "You? Miss a detail? Alright Commander, you missed something and I'm a multi-millionaire using my disease as an excuse to pick up chicks that love guys they think they can 'fix'." My only retort to his comment was me sighing heavily. He had a point though…However, his sarcastic remark would hardly dissuade me from continuously scrutinizing these reports. I needed something to do, something mundane to keep my mind from wandering to things I didn't want to think about. "I filed those reports myself, you really think I'd do it if you _missed_ something?" Again I shrugged. I felt I knew him well enough to know the answer to that one. I liked to think he had my back and I knew he double checked the reports.

I noticed him opening his mouth again, I quickly cut off whatever quip he was about to utter with an agitated sigh. I closed the screens, opting to just stare blankly at the orange light it emitted. A satisfied grin crossed his lips, but faded as quickly as it had come. He was back to his own work, or leisure, whatever it was he was doing. Silence fell between us once more and, despite how hard I tried, my mind began to ponder over bothersome things. The upcoming mission, the fate of the galaxy, the aliens on my ship, the obviously inappropriate advances from two members of my crew but I couldn't help but give into…well at least for one, the other was taking my kindness the wrong way…the _very _wrong way.

"Well, I'm guessing you didn't come here to have a pleasant chat with me…I suppose." I didn't answer him, knowing full well that if I did he'd have some smartass remark to come back at me with. "_Alright_, mocking silence, much better." His fingers were upon the edge of his arm rest, tapping lightly as he thought quietly to himself. He cast a sideways glance my way as I did the same, "Another one?"

By that I assumed he meant 'bad dream', in which case I nodded silently. He had come to accept the fact that I was going to be here every night, knowing that once I had my nightmare I wasn't going back to sleep. He never really complained, if he did, it was usually in jest. At least I had hoped so. Joker had never really pried when it came to my nightmares. Usually he'd just ask if that's why I was up and he'd just let it drop, we'd converse for a bit, I'd read over the reports and eventually fall asleep in the chair. He never seemed to mind, I liked to think he appreciated the company. I know I did. Joker was usually never the one to wake me up, most of the time it was Lieutenant Alenko as I usually ended up taking his seat when he felt like chatting with Joker. Joker was usually nowhere to be seen when I awoke, I don't know where he'd go, maybe the mess hall, showers, whatever, but I did know he was never in the pods. Like me, he shared quite a dislike for the pods. I remember once he told me he used to sleep in the medical bay, until I started coming out and bugging him.

"You…wanna talk about it?" The question caught me off guard. Mainly as I knew him, he wasn't the kind of guy that asked about things like that. Usually he'd just let things…happen. Most of the things I had told him about myself I had just sort of, gushed out to him un-prodded. It was rare when he actually asked me about myself. I sat there for a moment, not really sure what to do. Apart of me wanted to share my nightmare with someone, just to get it off my chest, even though I knew it'd always be with me. Another part of me was not keen on letting others know how messed up my brain was.

"I-it's nothing…"

He leaned forward, pushing one of the screens to the side as he went to check another, his brow furrowed, "Sure sounds like something to me." Joker kept his eyes pinned on the screen, "Come on Shepard, your up here every night, as much as I'd like to think you just _love_ my company, there's more to it than that." I wonder what he'd say if I told him that I did enjoy his company, as a matter of fact! "Maybe…talking about it will help you sleep, I don't know, I'm not a psychologist or anything, but it doesn't hurt to try."

Silence again fell between us for several minutes. I grazed my mind trying to find the right things to say, I hadn't really talked about Mindoir to anyone for the longest time, at least not anyone that wasn't family. Come to think of it, I had never talked about it to anyone except my Nan. Not even my closest friends, and I had no idea what Joker was to me. He…was my pilot, I don't think it'd be appropriate to call him my friend…or was it? If that wasn't appropriate, then I don't know what you'd call the relationship between Lieutenant Alenko and myself, it would be…highly inappropriate most likely. Definitely a violation of regs.

"Or not…"

I quickly shook my head, "No, no! It's not like that…er," I swallowed hard, "I just haven't talked about that to anyone for a very long time…" He made no response, I cast my eyes to my right towards the window, watching different colored stars drift by. My heart sunk just thinking about all of it, putting words together was proving to be rather difficult.

"It can wait y'know." He said quietly. I kept my eyes pinned on the great expanse of space before me, "I'm not saying you have to talk about it _right now_, but, it might do you some good to let it out eventually." A sigh escaped him, "And it's not like you have to tell me or anything, hell it could be Alenko, god knows you two talk all the time…" The last bit sounded a little bitter, causing me to look away from the window back towards him, "Look, Shepard. You've got a hell of a lot of shit to burden yourself with." His hazel eyes met mine and he refused to break contact, "But that doesn't mean you need to carry it on your own."

Joker always surprised me, one minute he'd be a prude, the next he was rebelling against my orders openly mocking me in front of superiors. He'd make blunt observations, pointed out a person's weaknesses in the harshest ways, avoided answering serious questions with snarky remarks and refused to accept anyone's help. And then he had moments like this, moments of complete seriousness where I was never sure if this was the real him, there were so many sides of Joker, so many faces and masks he chose to hide behind. Maybe this was just another one, another way for him to rile up his superior and get a rise out of me. But apart of me ached in a horrible way, it was that achey feeling you got when you knew there was so much more behind a simple glance, so much more behind such simple words but you wanted to continuously deny it, no matter how much you really wanted to accept it.

I would continue to deny it.

Denial was far easier than accepting things that made no utter sense.

Why was it so hard to think of something to say? There was nothing more brutal than the silence between us, he was expecting me to say something back, I could just tell. But I had nothing. I would open my mouth only to close it once more. I felt like a child once more, unable to come up with a lie about how my little brother had gotten a black eye…The things I thought were good enough to actually say slipped away from my tongue. Instead, I found myself push out of the seat, Joker seemed to have anticipated this, already extracting himself from his own seat. It had caught me off guard, how quickly he had pulled himself from his seat, what with his condition and all, I was surprised he hadn't broken a leg. I panicked though, tripping over myself and nearly falling. Catching myself on the back of the seat, I steadied myself and tried to leave the bridge.

"Lynn!"

It was the first time in a long time that I had heard anyone call me that. He caught my arm, pulling me back over towards him. Another surprise, he had quite the grip. I could feel my heart skip beats, having never been at such a disadvantage with a man. Then again I've never found myself in such a situation before. "J-Joker…This is highly inappropriate!"

He cocked a brow, "Then what do you call all your time with Kaidan?"

He may as well have slapped me, that's what it had felt like. "Fuck you."

"Ouch, here I am trying to be all heartfelt and you go and ruin the moment." There was a brief glint in his eyes as he spoke, but that was all, there was no smile, smirk or smug smartass look upon his face denoting this all to be a joke. Even though it was happening, my mind failed to grasp it. How I could deny this was rather amazing to be honest, he was standing there, holding tight to my arm, looking at me in a way I thought only Kaidan did when he thought I wasn't paying any attention. But despite the obvious, I was denying reality. Joker wasn't really standing there being anything but Joker, and I was finally having a dream that didn't end with a scream stuck in my throat.

"Lieutenant, I order you to unhand me this instant or else-"

"Drop the ranks for a minute won't you," His grip didn't lessen and if anything I had just managed to piss him off. I really wasn't the Commander I thought I was, was I really just going to stand there and let my pilot do…do…I don't even know what he was attempting to do to begin with. Any other person who had grabbed me like that had found themselves swiftly brought to the ground with a near broken arm behind their back and my knee in their spine. At the moment I would have liked to think the only reason I hadn't done that to my pilot was the fact that doing so could break him and I'd be left without the best damned pilot in the galaxy. But I wasn't stupid, even though I was utterly lost didn't mean I didn't fully comprehend what I was letting go on. There was a small part of me that had wanted this, "There's no one around for you to impress."

My mouth opened as I thought of something to say, but, as I looked at him I felt it disappear. My body acted on it's own, muscles relaxing, tension subsiding. He noted this and lessened his grip, but not enough to actually let me go. He was determined to say whatever it was he was going to say and he wanted to make sure I heard it. "What are you getting at Joker?" Agitation in my voice, I was getting tired of running around in this cat-and-mouse game.

"I'd have to ask you the same thing," He furrowed his brow.

"Whatever it is you want to say, just say it! Stop leaving me hanging on your every word, it's driving me nuts!" I growled through gritted teeth, not wanting to raise my voice more than necessary in an attempt to not draw unwanted attention.

"Oh yes, because _I'm_ the one driving _you_ nuts." He said with an air of sarcasm, "You think I don't take notice to the things you do?" My mouth hung partially open as I went to ask what he meant, but he cut me off, "I'm so sure Kaidan's _Mr. Prince Charming_ and all, the guy you go to when you want to hear pretty words and have _meaningful_ conversations with, but I'm not an idiot Shepard." A bitter smile upon his face, "You don't run to Kaidan like you run to me."

I looked away from him as quickly as I could, his statement causing a pang of panic to hit me and once again I tried to break away from him, which he merely just tightened his grip once more. I'd be an idiot if I said I had no idea what he was talking about. Actually, I knew full well where this conversation was going and it made me very uncomfortable. Already I was conflicted, wanting to run, just like I had done so many times before and just deny anything and everything. But, I wanted to see where this went, what was going to happen? It's not like I had much choice to begin with, but, had I really wanted to, I could have left. I'm not a silly little girl that's easily taken advantage of so easily. I was just a lonely woman, seeking friends so she wouldn't feel so bad about herself anymore, and instead let herself get too carried away and probably started playing a game with people who were only here because she dragged them into it.

That's who I was.

I tried to convince myself, there was nothing there for either of them. I didn't feel anything for Alenko, sure he was handsome and charming and eloquent, a good man to have at your back in a firefight, but there really wasn't anything there. At least not on my side. But what about Joker? No, there was nothing for Joker. He was my pilot, the best of them and he was someone I was able to confide in when I felt I couldn't go to anyone else. I kept him company and he listened, he would talk when he felt the need, say something to make me smile. Joker was a different kind of guy, he wasn't afraid to question my orders and he wasn't afraid to call bullshit. He was cocky, remarkably self-assured and he refused to take help from anyone. When I was angry, he was there to level with me and tell me to get a hold of myself and save that anger for the Geth and Saren. When I was sad, Joker would be there to offer a shoulder and some smartass comment that would make me forget what I was moping about. When I was confused and conflicted, Joker was there to provide his own insight, which I found remarkably valuable. The more I thought about it, the more and more his statement made sense, and the stupider I felt. I kept telling myself every time I'd start to feel something that there was nothing there and I was just imagining it. Joker only did those things because I was his superior, he was just trying to make sure I didn't lose my head. That was all…but that would never explain why I felt so comfortable around him, it would never explain why I was so willing to quickly drop ranks and just be myself around him.

He was right.

"Joker…I-"

"I can't compete with a guy like Kaidan." He shook his head, "So if this is just a game to you, fine, but I don't want to be apart of it."

My eyes cast down to the ground, I had nothing to say to that. What could I say? The longer I stayed silent, the more agitated he grew. Finally he let go of my arm, throwing his hands up in the air, "Fine, we're done here. Guess you can go back to being Commander again." Joker maneuvered his way back into his seat, going back to his regular routine, leaving me standing there, completely speechless.

_Just walk away Shepard, just walk away, let it drop…_

I took careful steps towards his seat.

"Look Commander, you don't have to worry about it. We can just go back to normal and pretend I never said any-"

Leaning down beside him, bringing my body down close to his, my hands moving on their own. One hand upon his shoulder, fingertips grazing over the material of his shirt until they touched the bare skin of his arm. I really had no idea what I was doing, instead just giving in and letting my body do whatever it felt to be natural, and this, my fingers brushing over his face against the roughness of his beard, watching his eyes turn to mine mixed what could be dozens of different emotions…well it just felt right. Definitely not what I felt around Kaidan. I caught a smile starting to tug at the corner of his lips as he pulled me closer to him, his face only an inch or two from my own. My heart was aflutter and his hands upon me only made it beat faster and harder.

Joker tilted his head upwards, his lips nearly against mine. He meant to kiss me and I was more than willing to let it happen. I had broken many regs in the span of a small amount of time ever since joining this ship and her crew, what was another one?

He was so close, are lips nearly touching when the silence of the bridge was broken by several loud, consecutive beeps. Quickly I pulled away, Joker letting out a groan of despair as he let his head fall back against the seat in frustration. The pilot turned his attention quickly to the console, leaning forward and pressing several keys bringing up a detailed screen of a planet. I stood behind his chair in my usual spot, arms folded over my chest as I attempted to calm myself, cease my heart from trying to break out of my chest.

"Wh-" I began to speak, cringing as my voice sounded remarkably high-pitched from all the nervous, jittery feelings I was experiencing at the moment. Clearing my throat, I tried again, "What is it?"

He looked over his shoulder up at me, an unclear expression upon his face, "We'll be hitting Virmire within the half hour."

The giddy, happy feelings quickly sunk into my stomach upon hearing 'Virmire'. I forced a nod, shifting uncomfortably. "Keep a steady course. If anything happens I want to be informed asap."

"Aye aye Commander."

I thought it would be harder to slide back into my usual 'All Business' way of acting, but it was surprisingly easy. The time for breaking regs was over, even Joker knew this, but it still didn't stop me from hesitating from walking away. "So…"

He looked away from me, going back to his screen, "Soooo, you should go blow some shit up and when you get back…you know where to find me."


	2. Close and Personal

**A/N:** OH HAI. Er...been awhile since I updated and unfortunately this update is...raaaaaaaaaather short. Urgh. But it's an update none-the-less right? 8D Yeah. So, I'm still debating whether I should do a perspective from Kaidan and Ashley, and I'm leaning towards no. Just...it's hard getting into Carth 2.0's character (don't hate me, I like Kaidan but...gah.) I won't be going into too much detail with Virmire, as I assume most ya'll have played ME1 and get the gist! xD Next chapter should hopefully be much longer and more...intense/emotional once I'm able to piece all my thoughts and ideas into a coherent sentence without cringing at it. I beat ME2 and am really anxious to getting to my planned fic for that, so bear with me, but I'm not going to rush through this or abandon it! D Once again, this is follows Commander Lynn Shepard, Colonist/War Hero/Paragade. Most characters belong to Bioware, the bringers of the apocalypse with the idea of trying to release ME3 in early 2012!

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**02| Close and Personal  
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(_ S h e p a r d_ )

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"Commander, hostiles at twelve o'clock!"

Stance shifting, hands gripping tighter to the weapon in my grasp, I wasted little time taking aim and immediately pulled the trigger. Sand-sized bullets sprayed from the barrel of my shotgun, ripping through the shields of the giant beast of a warrior storming towards me. I hardly noticed the recoil as I pumped the gun, shearing off more rounds for another shot. With the giant, menacing, frog-like alien charging towards me, bellowing a gut-wrenching battle cry, I didn't have much time or room to save my own ass. I'd have to rely on my comrades. My legs burned as they carried my backwards, trying to keep as much room between myself and the krogan. Were my ears not ringing from the barrage of exploding grenades and gunfire, I'd probably be able to hear the splash of water beneath me as my boots slammed down from each frenzied step.

"Alenko!" I barked, I couldn't look around to determine my Lieutenant's position, but it wasn't necessary. The man was quick to act, not needing me to tell him exactly what he needed to do. As soon as I had yelled his name, a surge of energy shot past me, hitting the krogan and enveloped it's body in a sheath of staggering blue light. Slowly, the krogan's feet lifted off the ground, his arms and legs completely useless to him as the Lieutenant's powers slowly stripped it of it's motor skills. I took the opportunity I had before me, pointing the shotgun's barrel at it's large head, with the pull of the trigger and a loud, deafening shot, the rounds ripped through it's head, the blue energy faded out and the krogan fell to the ground with a loud splash and thud.

I was beginning to think that the horde that was throwing themselves at us was beginning to subside, but as I motioned for my small team to move forward, the large, metallic doors began to open. The sound of gears and metal against concrete echoing throughout the breeding grounds we were advancing. Adrenaline pumped through my body, temporarily numbing me to any thoughts of doubt and panic. I gestured with two fingers, barking orders at my team, "Wrex! Take point! Alenko and I will cover you!" The large krogan grinned in a menacing manner, and I thanked God that he was on my side.

"Good. I like getting up close and _personal_."

Darting quickly to my right as the door drew to a halt, I took cover, returning my shotgun to the small of my back and pulling the pistol from my side. With a glance down, I noted a sizeable tear in my armor through my left greave, red paint blasted away to reveal the inner workings of the ceramic plate. Relief had washed over me for a second, any deeper and that shot would have gone straight through my thigh…With my back firmly against the tank I took cover behind, there was a brief moment of unnerving silence. Inching towards the edge, I chanced a peak only to quickly draw my head back into cover as a single round rushed past my head, nearly grazing my forehead. Within seconds of that shot, I could hear Wrex letting out a furious war cry, I assumed he began to charge forward, taking the horde of oncoming synthetics and krogan head on. It was Alenko's and my cue to cover him. I leaned out from cover, hitting enemies with well placed shots as they tried to circle around our krogan ally whilst Alenko supported him with biotics, tossing a few here and there with a powerful thrust. I'd watch the krogan as he took his shotgun and bashed in the flashlight-like heads of the geth before him, pieces of organic-material and machinery ripping and shattering, sending sparks flying.

It was like watching a dance…one that was incredibly dangerous and brutal.

My shots were frequent and as I picked off another enemy I could feel it begin to heat in my hand. With a curse, the weapon over-heated, I could feel it even through the thick material of my armor. Once again I switched, back to my shotgun. "Alenko! Move forward!" He nodded, running forward without hesitation, throwing out another powerful surge of energy at the horde, sending them scattering through the air, clearing a bit of room for Wrex. Instead of getting into cover, I charged forward, gathering my biotics into my free hand. The first synthetic bastard that came into range got a full taste of what it was like to face a Vanguard, I reared my fist back and released the energy, fist making contact on it's shields, ripping through and causing the geth to explode in a brilliant display of electronics and sparks. From there it was shotgun blast after shotgun blast from Wrex and myself, Kaidan opening room around us with his biotics until finally, the last hostile was down, an unknown and unrecognizable look upon Wrex's face as he sent a single shot from his gun into the head of a fallen krogan warrior.

_Just make sure it's worth it, Shepard…_

"Wrex."

He shook his head, red eyes still upon the krogan at his feet, "Saren's going to pay for what he's done to my people." His voice lower than usual, hidden behind his words was a promise in a deep growl. Even though that shotgun of his had been right in my face not more than an hour ago, I knew he meant it, and I had his trust. I wasn't fond of his kind, but Wrex was my brother in arms, and I'd see to it that the bastard who had screwed us all, would get an extra bullet in the head just for Wrex.

"Commander, we should radio Joker, I believe we've reached our drop zone for the nuke."

Lieutenant Alenko came to my side as he spoke, I responded with a nod and began to move forward, "Let's check the area first, don't want Joker to land in the middle of a hot zone." I held my shotgun, ready for more hostiles to spring out of nowhere, as they liked to do. "Sweep the area, check every cranny, I want this place empty before I call in the Normandy."

"Aye aye, Commander."

My eyes flickered over every obstacle, and I couldn't help but cringe when I noted the several fuel tanks around, handy for when the nuke goes off…but if the those things were set off while we were still around…I didn't want to think about that. "This area's clear Commander!" Kaidan called from far to the left.

"I think we're good, Shepard." Wrex said as he made his way back towards me.

"Good, stay focused, in case they decide to spring up from the woodworks."

Wrex let out a smug laugh, "Don't need to tell me twice."

I turned away from the krogan, taking quick steps away from him and away from Kaidan. I don't know why, but for some reason I felt as if…they were invading my personal space, my time to talk to Joker. Fingertips rose to my right ear, seeking the small device connected to my suit radio. With a quick tap, I accessed the line between my radio and Joker's.

"Joker, site's clear, bring the Normandy in ASAP."

"_What's this? No 'Hello Joker' or 'How was your time waiting around Joker?' or even better 'I missed the sexy sound of your voice in my ear Joker'?"_

Any other time, I would have laughed at that, instead I answered his remark with silence and a roll of my eyes.

"_The silent treatment, eh? I like that just so y'know, this way I can just imagine what your thinking, your undressing me with your mind right now aren't you? Why Commander, I believe that's highly inappropriate."_

Instantly my palm went to my face, I could feel my face burning, despite how hard I tried to ignore it. "J-just bring the damn ship in, Lieutenant!" I heard him chuckle over the radio, knowing him, he surely caught my frustration over the connection.

"_I just love sassing you. ETA…now."_

The channel closed, which I was grateful for, I didn't need him flustering me right now. I had more important things to worry about than reprimanding my pilot for making passes at me over my suit radio. The familiar, and welcome sound of the Normandy's engine began to reach my ears and, true to Joker's word, he pulled the ship in quickly and with such grace…he really knew how to work the Normandy. As he had once said, he could make her dance…And I believed him.


	3. Unforgiven

**A/N: **Soooo that came out faster than I had expected! xD Well, angsty chapter is angst. Lynn struggling with herself and questioning her own capabilities as a leader. I'd also like to thank everyone that has this story in their favorites and watches and to all those that gave me reviews! It really means alot to me that people actually like my story that I'm just doing for kicks! You guys rock! Once again I'm really only writing this for fun so harsh critiques will be ignored as I'm not really looking to improve on my actual writing. Just wanted to take this as an opportunity to flesh out characters in a way I can't with drawing. Commander Lynn Shepard, Colonist/War Hero/Paragade. Story does not follow strictly to the game and most actual game segments are cut as that can get really damn redundant to write and cause disinterest, I'm writing this assuming you all have played Mass Effect and get the gist of everything! :D Characters owned by Bioware, gods among men!

* * *

**03| Unforgiven  
**

(_ S h e p a r d_ )

* * *

"No one gets left behind Alenko!"

"_I'm sorry Commander, but I'm setting this nuke to make sure it goes off...no matter what._"

"Damn Alenko, don't be an idiot!"

Panic. It's all I could feel as the radio fell silent and all I could hear was muffled gunfire in the background. Pacing furiously back and forth, I tried desperately to get back into contact with Kaidan. I'd be damned if I left a man behind and he was being remarkably persistent and stubborn about the issue. Geth reinforcements had dropped into the breeding grounds, instantly making it a hot zone. The nuke was most likely being riddled with shots and I wasn't sure how well that baby would hold up against repeated hits. Kaidan was as good as dead if we didn't get back...The only problem was, same with my Gunnery Chief. Williams was just as willing to stay behind for me to run back and get Alenko and get the hell outta dodge...it should have been an obvious choice. Regs would have me get the superior officer, in rank, Kaidan was Ashley's better. It was so simple.

I was just refusing to believe that I had to leave a teammate; a friend behind.

_Damnit Lynn, this is what happens when you break rank, THIS is what happens when you let your feelings get the better of you..._

"_Commander, there's no time to argue! You need to head back for the LT, there's no question about it!"_ Williams yelled over the gunfire, her voice raspy and nearly washed out by static.

"There's no question at all, I refuse to leave you _or_ Alenko on this God-foresaken planet! I can head back to Alenko, send the Normandy your way...it could work...it could..." A knot twisted in my throat as I actually began to process that idea and how flawed and bullshit it was. It would never work, both were in too deep of a hot zone for Joker to bring the Normandy in and anyone to safely get on without being over-taken. And even if it were possible...No way in hell Joker would be able to make it to the other side in time before we were all blown to hell.

"_Charge is set Commander! It's done, now get moving, get Williams and get out of here! We'll hold the geth off!" _Alenko's voice sounded over the radio again. Though it brought no good news, not at all. Now he had me on a time limit and if the situation wasn't so dire, I'd want to wring his neck. I bit my lip, there was so much at stake here. Thoughts began to fly by before I could analyze them. How do you make the right decision here? God, there was no right decision. Either I let my most supportive and loyal ally behind...or I leave my best friend to die. God, why? There were so many consequences and repercussions here, save Kaidan and, knowing the kind of man he is, have to help him deal with his own guilt plus my own. Save Ashley and...God I didn't even want to think about her reaction, her feelings. There was more, if I saved Kaidan, I'd have to fess up to him eventually about my feelings. I'd have to tell him everything I said I had thought and felt was pretty much a lie.

I felt like vomiting. Was I really even thinking about that!?

But...Ash...She could be so much more, she had so much to look forward to. God, what about her family? Her sisters? Leaving her would be the ultimate betrayal, wouldn't it? But Alenko had family too, his career...

"_Commander! There's no time! Whatever it is you're planning you better tell me now or I'm going to have to pull the Normandy before you even get a chance!_" Joker's voice cut through my thoughts, sending me into an even more severe panic. His voice was the last thing I had wanted to hear at that moment.

"I-I...Joker, bring the Normandy to the AA towers!" I barked, a quiver in my voice, "Williams, bunker down until we get there!"

"_A-Aye aye...Commander._"

There was a brief moment of silence as Ashley's voice cut off the comm. I swore I heard Joker mumble something but suddenly I felt dis-attached from my own body. The only thing that brought me back was Kaidan's voice, amazing, he knew he was going to die and there was no hint of fear, no quiver, no choking. If anything he sounded proud, "_Commander."_

"Kaidan...I'm so sorry."

I heard a soft laugh in my ear, "_There's nothing to be sorry about Lynn, you made the right choice._" He went silent for a moment and fear hit me as I thought the worst had already happened, but he came back, "_I just wanted to let you know that it's been an honor serving under you, Commander...Give Saren hell for me._" His line went dead. I didn't even get a chance to respond as I felt myself being forced to move, heavy hands on the back of my shoulders pushing me towards the AA towers. I never got to tell him that I truly enjoyed being around him. I never got to tell him that his loyalty truly meant something to me. I never got to thank him for pulling me out of the fire so many times. I never...I never...

Regret, guilt, disgust, it all came at once. It hit me hard, so hard that I couldn't think, couldn't see, couldn't focus. I had to be pushed and dragged towards our destination and upon reaching it, I don't even remember it. It was all a big, hazy blur with snippets of dialogue popping up here and there. I remember being shot at...I remember being choked, you never forget the feeling of suffocation. I remember piercing blue eyes and hard, metal-like skin upon my knuckles, fist slamming furiously into the solid surface shattering the ceramic and breaking through to my skin. I can remember that agony of my nerves sending pricks of pain through my arm, remember not being able to move my hand.

But that was it.

I was falling now, a dark, cool surface catching my fall as I did. I cried out as I landed on my injured hand, the pain sending signals to my brain to start functioning properly. Hands were upon me as my vision began to come back, voices shouting my name. I edged away from them, pushing myself up, refusing their help. My legs carried me to the area I frequented the most, newly opened eyes settling on the orange screens of my pilot. Eyes turned to the small windows revealing the black expanse of space, watching and waiting. Joker yelled something over the intercom, the tiny white dots of billions of stars began to merge and blend until it all disappeared in a flurry of light.

And we were gone.

Someone grabbed my arm, pulling me. Fingers slid down to my own injured hand. The touch over my wounds made me wince an rip my gaze from the window. I looked at the hand holding mine, then to the one it belonged to. Joker looked up at me from his seat, a mixture of emotions upon his face. Concern, remorse...other ones that I couldn't process. My body was urging me to accept his touch, his help. But the rest of me...I looked down at him in disgust, anger. Wincing once more when I realized what he was trying to do, I ripped my hand from his grasp, stumbling back. Why did he...why...Anger, confusion, those feelings were blinding me to his simple act of kindness. My eyes fell to my his hand, noticing the blood upon his fingertips that caused me to look at my own.

"Lynn..."

I winced at my own name.

"I'm sor-"

"I don't _need_ your pity!" I yelled.

Where most others would back off and retreat like a dog with it's tail between it's legs, Joker narrowed his eyes, brow furrowed. "I'm trying to help, you're not ruthless Shepard! Come on!"

_Lynn stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop!_

_He's doing what he can!_

_I don't need his help._

_You're so wrong on that one, you need all the help you can get!_

_I don't deserve his help or his kindness, let him throw his charity on someone that deserves it!_

_You don't mean that..._

_I do..._

_You're wrong._

_I don't need this..._

"Go throw your charity on someone else that gives a damn, flyboy." I turned before I could see the look on his face, whatever it may be. I was wrong, what I was doing wasn't right. But it was the same cycle that continued to repeat itself over my life. Every tragedy, every horrible event, every loss, it was always the same. I tackled it with the same mindset every time, I would force myself to believe that it was my fault and that I could have done better. If I had just acted quicker, if I had actually tried to save him. My plight with Kaidan led me to think of the little brother I used to have, I recalled how I just stood there, all cramped and tight in my hiding spot where no one would be able to find me, I remembered how I watched them beat my mother and how my brother had tried to save her. I could have helped, I could have...done something. It was the same with Kaidan, dammit I could have done something. I know I could have.

_There was **nothing **you could do!_

_But what if there was!?I could have done something, anything!_

_Then you'd be dead as well!_

_You don't know that! No one knows that!_

I struggled with myself, storming through the CIC. Crew were quick to get out of my way, watching me, waiting for me to just completely explode. I was headed to my quarters, ready to lock myself away, toss things in anger and muster a scream. I was caught by the arm, forced to go somewhere that wasn't where I wanted to be. Lights flared and soft beeping echoed in the room I was pulled in, a gentle voice urged me to calm down and relax.

"Commander, you're injured, please just sit down a moment."

The woman's voice was soft, gentle; soothing. Her hands guided me towards one of the beds in the med-bay, easing me atop it. The doctor lifted my hand, examining the wound, moving shredded threads away for a better look. "You did quite a number on your hand Commander." She began moving each finger, watching my face as she did so, looking for any sign of pain. "Flex your fingers, how much do they hurt?"

I did as she told me, trying to curl my fingers towards my palm. Several times did I flinch, fingers felt too stiff to move.

"Hmmm." She took hold of my hand again, noting the swelling around my knuckles. She quickly began to fix up my hand, carefully pulling off the remains of my armor, cleaning off the blood, applying anti-septic...I began to drift off. This was normal and redundant procedure that I always tended to block out, Chakwas was used to patching up soldiers, and I was used to being patched up. Her hands moved quickly and no sooner did I begin to blank out, she was done. "Now let me clean up that cut on your cheek."

Curiously I looked at her, lifting me un-injured hand to my face and touching my cheek. Pulling away, I looked at my fingertips and saw a bit of blood. I had hardly noticed the cut, I was too drained to really notice anything so insignificant. She dabbed at the cut, wiping away the blood and dirt. "How are you feeling Commander?" She applied anti-septic, "I...heard about Kaidan."

Biting down on my lip, I remained silent. Even if I had something to say, I don't know if I'd be able to. She pressed a white strip to the cut, applying pressure to the edges to keep it on. Chakwas brushed strands of black matted hair from my face. A simple gesture, one that I had wished I had accepted from Joker, perhaps it would have helped me...saved me. The small gesture was enough to make my heart drop into my stomach, tears began to blur my vision and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I felt so weak, crying in front of one of my crew. I was supposed to be...this strong and stoic woman, I was supposed to be a soldier, a leader for God's sake and I was just sitting there being so weak and frail. I hated feeling this way, being this way.

Fortunately, Chakwas thought otherwise. She didn't chastise me, she didn't judge me or tell me I was wrong. She simply pulled me into a motherly embrace and let me cry. She would mutter kind words every now and again, trying her best to soothe me.

"I'm...I'm no l-leader..."

I felt her shake her head, "That's not true. Anyone else wouldn't have been able to make that decision."

I couldn't help but cry harder, "L-look at me! What...what kind of l-leader acts like this!?"

She pushed me from her embrace, her hands firmly upon my shoulder, locking her vivid green eyes with mine. "You're a leader, Shepard. You command respect, men and women would gladly march into the gates of hell at your command." She gave me a gentle smile, "But your no god, Shepard, you're still human and humans make mistakes. Humans feel. They feel regret, remorse, guilt, it's no crime Shepard." She let go of my shoulders, "You being human makes you no less of a leader."

I was able to cease my tears for the time-being, trying to let her words sink in. I could hear what she was saying, but everything inside me was refusing to believe it. Chakwas would always be a valuable person to me, but I was in no state of mind to listen to reason and words of truth. I was too disgusted with myself and questioning my own leadership, a dangerous mindset for someone in a position such as I to have.

"Thanks Doctor..." pushing myself from the bed, Chakwas nodded, walking away from me and returning to her small desk. I walked out of the med-bay as quickly as I could. My eyes rested on the table in the center of the mess hall, it was crowded with most of the crew, talking quietly amongst themselves. They fell silent as they noticed me leaving, their eyes upon me, it made me nervous. Turning my gaze away from the group, I quickly made haste towards my cabin, a false relief washing over me as the door shut quickly behind me. My hands rose to my face as I tried to bury it away, tears welling up in my eyes once more. This time I didn't try to fight them off, instead let them flow, flinging my hands from my face and pacing angrily about my cabin. The silence in my quarters only made things worse, causing me to feel paranoid, eventually my hands began to fly about my body, unclasping and flinging off pieces of armor as quickly as I could. Ceramic flew, slamming hard against the walls, floor and anywhere else I decided to randomly throw them. I peeled the weave layer of my under armor off, letting it fall to the floor. Shivers ran through my body, I stood there, cold, alone...

Hugging my body, I shut my eyes as tightly as I could, having a hard time trying to support myself.

_Chakwas was right Lynn, you're only human. You made a mistake, it's natural._

_Being human is no excuse, I left on of my own behind, for little reason! I'm questioning my own authority, questioning my own ability...what kind of leader am I if I lack faith in myself!?_

_There was no time! There were only so many reasons you could..._

_It doesn't matter! There's no forgiving what I did! I can't ever forgive myself!_

_You have to try, if you don't you'll be in this very position yet again! Remember Mindoir, the Blitz! If you keep beating yourself over the losses you'll end up killing yourself!_

_I **do** remember! If I don't who will!? If I don't remember the losses...if I just forgive myself, it'll keep happening! _

_What kind of logic is that!? That makes no se-!_

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" My fingers were entangled in my hair as I tried to silence my own thoughts. I was fighting with myself, I couldn't take it much longer. Yelling seemed to help make me feel a little better as the voices silenced. My eyes flickered about my cabin, I needed to...do something. I dragged my feet towards my terminal, quickly flopping down in the chair and flying through screens on the holo. Instinctively I began to write up my report, fingers flying over the keys in a flurry. I was quick and brief, giving only the necessary details, the _success_ of the mission as well as the loss. I kept telling myself the same thing as I typed, the same bullshit line I was trying to force myself to accept why I left Kaidan to die.

_I was closer to the AA towers. I was closer to the AA towers. The mission was a success, Kaidan died a hero. I was closer to the AA towers. The mission was a success..._

But at what cost?

Constantly repeating those lines helped me ignore my own anguish and disgust. The report was finished and was quickly sent to the helm for Joker to deal with. It was in his hands...I didn't want to look at it anymore. I let myself slump back into the chair, fingers nervously picking at the folds in my black tank top. My right hand still hurt like hell, but I forced it to move, if it didn't heal up quickly, how the hell would I be able to shoot? I needed to put a bullet in Saren's head...

A few brief minutes in horrible silence were interrupted by the overhead com.

"_Just got your report Commander. I'm going over it now, should be ready to send and file soon._"

Joker's voice filled the silent room, echoing in my head. I couldn't help but flinch as he spoke, his voice was so...cold and formal. I don't know why it surprised me, given what I had done and said, I really should have been expecting it.

"_Ash and the others are waiting in the debrief room...should I tell them to go?_" The tone in his voice hardly changed, I tried to pick out some form of concern, sympathy, but found nothing. He was too damn good at masking his feelings.

"N-no." I struggled to get out one word, quickly wiping away the last remains of tears from my face. I rubbed to hard, accidentally pulling the bandage from my cheek, "Shit." Desperately I tried to press it back on as neatly as Chakwas had did, but managed to make a hackjob of that, leaving a rather large crease in the bandage.

"_Crew's also waiting...got a few people asking me when we'd have a moment of silence._"

I choked as a few tears began to come back, I hated when he actually did his job, because he was doing it too damned well. I wasn't sure how well he could hear me and prayed he couldn't hear my muffled sobs and sniffs as I tried to calm myself down so I could respond. He must have noted the silence, or heard me...or something as he spoke again, "_I told everyone to keep their space and to give you some time. Just let me know when your ready._"

His tone had changed, softer, kinder. It was painful for me. I had wanted to tell him thank you, to say I was grateful. I tried to find the words but my tongue would twist up, forming words was impossible. When I thought I was finally able to say something, I'd choke, sputtering out incoherent sounds. I stumbled and tripped, unsure if I'd ever be able to get back up, wondering if Joker would be able to understand. "I...I-it's hard..." was the only weak thing I was able to muster.

Joker's only response was, "_I know..._"


	4. Five Minutes

**A/N:** So I go from never updating to throwing a chapter up pretty much every day...EXCITING! xD Forgive me, I tend to hang around at the Joker group on the Bioware forums alot and everyone there gets me all excited over Joker and I CAN'T stop writing! So hooray! Decided to switch the perspective but didn't go too indepth, didn't want to crack into his head too hard right now! 83 Short chapter/flashback. I'd like to thank my beta-reader for all her wonderful words and support and taking time to help me out. Still just writing for fun, just would like to make sure my chapters don't suck before posting them! xD I'd also like to thank everyone once again for reading this and faving it and myself, I really never expected any reviews or kind words! And a shout out to all my Joker fangirls (and guys), you guys all rock and are very inspirational! Come on everyone, let's fight for Joker love! -is done being lame now- All characters and world belong to Bioware (much to my dismay), Shepard's extended personality belongs to me. Female Shepard Colonist/War Hero/Paragade.

* * *

**04| Five Minutes  
**

(_ M O R E A U_ )

* * *

_Hey Joker..._

_Hey...Kaidan..._

_I've got a favor to ask._

_It doesn't involve any kind of lively jig does it?_

_Ha...funny, but no. I have a final request._

_Oh man, can we not have this conversation?_

_I know, I know, worst timing right? But..._

_I know, not much time._

_Right._

_What is it?_

_Take care of her for me._

_What!?_

_You know what I'm talking about..._

_Shit Kaidan..._

_Just do that one thing for me alright? Just look out for her, you know how she is._

_I know._

_Thanks Joker._

_Yeah, you're...welcome. _

_Joker?_

_Kaidan._

_You're a good friend._

_No I'm not, I'm a bastard, cynical and I hate everyone..._

_Ha ha, yeah, but for what it's worth..._

_I know..._

_Goodbye Joker._

_I'll see you on the other side one day Kaidan, give 'em hell._

_You expect any less?_

_From you? Never._

---

Moment of silence my ass. How was it a moment of silence when your head was filled with the same damn conversation just repeating itself on an eternal loop? How could I pay my respect when all I could hear were those final moments? I think the whole thing is a joke, just some scheme to make you regret and feel bad. It wasn't all that respectful, I knew Kaidan, he wouldn't want this. But there were rules right? I highly doubt that the Alliance would be thrilled with us all cramming together in the mess drinking to our friend's memory, _'Why Lieutenant, that's illegal contraband! You'll be court-martialed for that one! And that beard! Blah blah blah...'_

She had called for a five minute silence.

We were on minute four, almost over, funny how five minutes felt like forever when all was quiet. I held my hat in my hands, fiddling with the edges. Five minutes...God it was excessive, but given the circumstance, and her mind set at this moment, I couldn't really argue. Looking down at my hat momentarily, I started repeating the lettering over and over in my head, trying to block out the conversation I had had with Kaidan before the big bang. It was proving to be difficult. I heard a noise causing my gaze to flicker back to the screen before me, the mess hall was on the display, pretty much the entire crew was gathered there all lined up into neat little rows. They stood at full attention, right hands up to their foreheads in salute, all facing one woman.

She began to speak, said a few words and dismissed them. I ran my hand through my hair as I returned my cap to my head, watching her stand there as the group faded. She just...stood there, not moving, just staring. With how she spoke, you wouldn't have known how emotional she had been an hour ago. You couldn't hear all that anger, all that guilt and regret in her voice. She was too good at masking that. It had me worried. I didn't particularly _like _being worried. But I cared about this one, she was different, she was special...

I closed the screen as she turned away from the spot she had been standing in. I didn't really like watching anyone on the ship, sure, listening in on conversations was always fun, good way to keep up on all the gossip and give me an edge over miss scuttlebutt down in the cargo hold. But watching people was...kinda creepy. Just a teeny bit.

Earlier I had zeroed in on the debriefing, oh that was such an exciting meeting. People yelling at each other, arguing, more yelling and arguing. It was times like those that made me glad I was just the pilot, didn't have to deal with all the yelling and the arguing. What had happened again? The awkward one over-stepped her bounds, oh how Shepard loved taking orders from asari. From what I heard, I had been pretty sure she was going to choke the girl, there were two things you never did when in front of the Commander, never tell her what she should do and never whine. I felt a little bad for Liara, she was a nice girl and all...I guess I could understand her frustration, what you spend pretty much your entire life devoting yourself to something you love and then all of a sudden, in comes someone that pretty much knows everything you were trying to find. I guess I'd be pretty miffed too, like if they came and replaced me with some twelve year old because he was better. Bad comparison.

Liara had said it was unfair that everything she had worked so hard for had just landed in Shepard's lap so easily, guess I could relate to that. Working my ass off to get to where I was, to have that feeling of being rewarded for my efforts just taken away...I sighed, wondering if the last briefing was going to cause problems for us all. Commander refused to do that weird asari mind-meld voodoo thing until we got back to the citadel, Liara probably almost came close to death today and Ash...

I wish she had just kept her mouth shut.

The girl pretty much told Shepard she had a death wish. Dying while fighting valiantly to _avenge the William's name_, yeah, good choice of words there Williams. You successfully managed to make Lynn go absolutely batshit insane. I cut out before the end of it, don't know yet if Ash actually got hit. I was counting on it.

I sat there in silence, eyes focused on the holos, looking over systems and random buttons. There was a message waiting for Lynn from the Council, I wasn't going to patch it through, she had to go through enough today and talking to the Council was the last thing she needed. It was the least I could do for her. Getting tired of seeing the message flashing obnoxiously in my face, I canceled it. The flashing stopped and I already felt better. If I had to guess what they wanted to talk about, it'd probably be about the whole...blowing shit up with a giant nuke thing. I shook my head to myself. For awhile I continued to sit there, staring at the screens trying to keep my mind as perfectly empty as possible, but for some odd reason I had this..._feeling _to suddenly check on Lynn. Damn Kaidan...

_You know how she is._

Yeah. Unfortunately I knew her a lot better than he did, which put a sinking feeling into my gut just thinking about that. I felt like the biggest jerk. I knew Kaidan really liked her, even if he liked to admit otherwise. I felt like I pretty much screwed him over, there was Kaidan, just being this nice guy and there I was, just swooping in like an ass. I think he knew though, probably why he said all that to me. Damn Kaidan, why couldn't you have been mad at me? Tell me off or something for christ's sake...He was always the nice guy though, he didn't deserve to go out like that, but he wouldn't have had it any other way.

I didn't know what I should do at this point, if I should actually go check on her, physically or just...guess. I knew how she was, she hardly slept, always had nightmares, was constantly relying on stimulants and caffeine. It would only be a matter of time before she started abusing those stims, after today's events...probably soon. But what was I going to do, hobble over to her quarters and barge in, or attempt to, tend to be bad at barging in with glass legs. Kinda hard to play the hero when all someone had to do was kick you in the shin.

_Oh just get up and do it already. _

_Yeah...no thanks, not without a plan._

_Since when did you ever start planning anything._

_I plan...on occasion._

_Only when it comes to the Normandy._

_Well she is my baby..._

_Your point? _

_What the hell was yours?_

_We're one and the same idiot._

There really needed to be some kind of turn off switch related to inner dialogue. Admittedly, it probably happened so frequently because I was always alone up here, no one to talk to...except Lynn. I remember the exact day, time, reason she had started venturing into my helm. Right after the mission on Feros, she came stumbling in around midnight...

---

_'Need something ma'am?'_

_She stumbled towards the co-pilot's seat on my right, nearly tripping over her untied boots. I watched her slip into the chair, amused by her disheveled appearance. Didn't seem like the same woman, this really the great Commander Shepard who went out of her way to bark regs at me left and right? Miss 'Lieutenant you better wipe that smirk off your face before I knock it off for you!' or 'Lieutenant, I've never known any man that's sassed me and got away with it, keep it up and your ass will be off this ship faster than you can say one of your **clever** little quips!' or my personal favorite, 'I don't care if you can fly the Normandy, calculate pi and come up with the solution to galactic peace all at the same time, keep back-talking me flyboy and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be doing your FTL travel!' Of course, she really didn't appreciate me asking if that was a promise._

_'No, just...need to be somewhere that's not my quarters.'_

_I cocked a brow, 'If your looking for company, you'll find none here, misery only loves itself and I'm not looking for anymore.'_

_She brought up old mission reports, I watched her deep blue eyes glow with orange as the holo popped up, flickering over each word. 'What are you doing?'_

_She didn't look at me, 'Checking over the reports, making sure you filed them correctly.'_

_'Oh come on, can you cut me some slack for five minutes? Off the record, are you on some kind of mission to go out of your way and torment me?' She cast her glance over towards me as I stared at her. Something...made me lose my train of thought completely, the smallest little thing that I barely even noticed. In the corner of her lip, I could see...something, what the hell was that? Was that a smirk? Was she seriously capable of doing that? I didn't even know her face was capable of using those muscles to form an actual smile. She looked away, the phenomena gone as quickly as it had come. I had just witnessed a miracle of sorts, I was sure. It was like...seeing...something. I couldn't think of the right word, wow, that had just blown my mind. _

_The Commander never broke rank, ever. She always seemed like that stereotypical drill sergeant you saw in the vids, completely dead serious and always threatening people that didn't follow her orders to a 'T'. I was starting to wonder if we had picked up a new Shepard on Feros. Hey, fine by me, if this one cut lose every now and again, I might not think she was a complete bitch._

_'The reports are fine, trust me, I check them over several times.' I flipped through a few screens, taking her silence as an 'I don't really care' response. Silent minutes passed by, and for awhile I had started to forget that she was even there. The best kind of company, was the kind you never noticed. In the corner of my eye I noticed the holo-screen shutting off, Shepard no longer cast in it's orange glow. She slumped back into the seat, she lifted her hand resting her forehead upon her palm, her black hair covering most of her face from view. I couldn't help but stare at her again, this time wondering if this was the real Shepard I was looking at and if the one that fought with me constantly was just some cover-up, something to shield herself with._

_After all, I'd know, I'm an expert in that sort of thing._

_'Shepard?'_

_She didn't move much or respond to me at all, 'Okay...uh. If your not feeling good I could call Doctor Cha-'_

_'That asari did something to my head.' she mumbled. I had to think for a minute, asari? Oh right, on Feros. 'Whatever she did, the nightmares are worse now. I could...feel, what was going on.'_

_I definitely wasn't the person she should be talking to about this, 'Uh, Chakwas would probably want to kn-'_

_'On average, I think I get about three-four hours of sleep a day if I'm lucky. I run on stimulants, caffeine and adrenaline. I hate it, the stims...I hate needles, and they have such crappy side-effects. If it weren't for Chakwas, I think I'd have a major problem, I hate the stims so much, they put me in such a shitty mood.' Shepard rambled on, I wasn't really sure if she was actually telling **me** all this or if she was just talking aloud to herself. 'The nightmares are usually the same, either it's gunshots or an apocalypse, batarians killing civilians or synthetics killing organics.' She buried her face in both her hands, her voice muffled, 'I wake up with a scream caught in my throat, sometimes I'd wake up thinking God was punishing me for what I didn't do in the past, or then there are just nights where I can't move at all, stuck.' Her hands slid away from her face, falling into her lap as she laid back in the seat._

_'I feel like I haven't slept in over a decade...'_

_I didn't have anything to say. This was a completely different person next to me, I didn't recognize her. I...would have never known that, I thought she was just a grade A bitch, but here she was..._

_I guess she was human afterall._

_'Commander, I know we don't have the greatest track record, but,' I turned away from her, adjusting my cap, 'If you can't sleep or anything your welcome here...' I saw her turn towards me in the corner of my eye, her face was less harsh than it usually was, 'Uh...don't think I'm saying that from the bottom of my heart or anything...company's nice every now and again, y'know?'_

_Her only response was a nod as she turned away from me, adjusting herself in the seat to face the window. I think she fell asleep an hour or so later..._


	5. The Survivor

**A/N:** OH LOOK! ANOTHER ONE! I seriously can't stop writing for this story! I think it's all the awesome comments coming in as well as Mass Effect is insanely awesome anyway! This small chapter follows Ash, bare with me people who hate Ash, it'll all be okay! This is the most I've ever been consumed in my writing and it's very fun and I really hope everyone is enjoying it! Thanks again to my beta reader for all her support as well as all you guys reading this and faving the story and leaving the awesome comments! Please remember I'm writing this for fun, I'm not looking to improve (my beta reader is just to give me feedback on the chapter before I put it out) so any ignorant criticism shall be ignored! 8D This follows Lynn Shepard, Colonist/ War Hero/Paragade/Vanguard. All characters belong to Bioware (sadly), Lynn's extended personality belongs to me!

* * *

**05| The Survivor  
**

(_ W I L L I A M S_ )

* * *

She said I was her best friend. The only woman she felt she could ever trust. I was like a sister to her, she trusted me, not only with her secrets but with her life. She trusted me to keep a level head and not take any chances. She trusted me not to pull any heroics...and I almost blew it.

It had been several hours since I had foolishly confronted my Commander about her decision back on Virmire. At the time, I didn't know what I was thinking, I guess I was just so, so...so very angry with myself and instead of trying to reason I took it out on the one person who trusted me as I trusted my own sisters. Damn, was I a fool.

'_Why Skipper!? Why me!? Why not Kaidan, he deserved better!'_

I cringed at my own voice inside my head. I really overstepped my boundaries, what made me feel like I had the right to question her? I was just a lowly Gunnery Chief, there were regs and I questioned my superior officer.

'_Ash...I-I had to make a tough decision..._'

'_Damn straight Skipper and you picked the wrong one!_'

Her face when I said that, I swore I could see something inside her break. I don't remember how many times I yelled at myself to shut up, but I had just kept on going.

'_Kaidan was a superior officer! You're not supposed to risk your life for a Gunnery Chief!'_

'_There __**was**__ no right choice Ash! I did what I had to, are you saying your life wasn't worth saving!?_'

'_Lt was crazy for you and you know it! You...you don't throw away someone like that! I would have happily stayed behind!_'

My fingertips were starting to burn from the hot surface of the coffee mug in my hand. Realizing this, I let it go, watching the steam drift about lazily. When I confronted Shepard, I don't know what the hell I was trying to accomplish. Apart of me wanted to make her feel bad, I don't think she really knew how Kaidan felt about her and that bothered me. But that wasn't her fault. It was probably just survivor's guilt...I was so pissed when she told me to bunker down, I was so...livid when I heard Kaidan's voice over the radio, he sounded so calm, so accepting of what was happening. He was a better soldier than me, a better person. Poor Kaidan, he deserved better. I thought back to my logic back then, why I had wanted to stay behind. Personal glory, all I had ever wanted to do was to do something worthy, to restore the William's name and give my old man the respect he deserved. At that time, I thought letting myself die then would have been the best route.

'_Ash...you have a family, sister's that love you and want to see you come home. You have so much to work and live for! Kaidan knew the ri-_'

'_Bullshit! Alenko had a family too! He had a career!_'

'_Ash...please..._'

'_No Skipper! I wanted to stay behind! I would have fought valiantly to the end! I would ha-_'

'_What!? What did I just hear you say? God Ash, please don't tell me you had a death wish...please, just...just lie to me right now._'

I had fallen silent then, unable to actually lie to Shepard like that. She couldn't understand why I had wanted to stay behind, she wouldn't believe I had a death wish.

'_Oh God! No, this isn't happening...This...I left Kaidan behind for __**you**__!? I left a good man to die for a suicidal imbecile!? Fuck Ashley!_'

When she had said those words, yelling at me as loud as she could, pacing back and forth in a panicked frenzy, I realized that what I had done was wrong. I was an idiot. It only hurt more realizing that when she had pushed me. Instinct would have me push her back, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had hurt her enough.

'_Skipper...I..._'

'_Get out._'

'_Shepard!_'

'_I gave you an order, now get the hell out of my face soldier!_'

'_Lynn please!_'

I should have just gone when she had told me to leave. My fingers instinctively went to my right cheek, flinching as I pressed them onto my skin. She had hit me, and hit me pretty damn good. It still burned and when I was able to check last, it was pretty damn red, I'll probably have a bruise in the morning. I had...never expected to be hit by my superior officer. But, I should have, I attacked her first and I got what I deserved. Wondering if she'd ever forgive me, I pulled the cup of coffee towards me, lifting it to my lips. The liquid was still hot and burned as it went down my throat, and despite what people had said, it didn't make me feel any better. But better this than a cigarette, like some of the other crew. Setting the cup back down, I began to twist it in it's spot, staring at the black liquid. I hardly noticed the silence of the mess hall, either everyone was asleep or gathered in the cargo hold, trying to stay as far away from Shepard as possible.

My intention was to hurt her, make her feel how I was feeling...but I didn't realize until too late that she was feeling worse than I was. She was the one that made the call, she was the one that had to forever live with the guilt of Kaidan's death looming over her like a black cloud. She was the one that was going to have to tell Kaidan's folks that he was dead. Shepard would have to stand in front of a crowd and make fancy speeches and present the Star of Terra to him. And...I couldn't imagine that pain. A thought suddenly hit me that made my heart hurt, if it had been me back there, Lynn would be the one telling my sisters...Shaking my head, I closed my eyes trying to block out that thought. I didn't wish that on anyone, but I had just realized, that I brought it upon Shepard, regardless of choice.

Eyes flickered towards her quarters. She had been locked in there ever since the moment of silence had commenced.

"Nice face."

I looked up as the silence was broken by the familiar voice. My brow furrowed when I saw Joker standing opposite me at the table, a smug look on his face. This situation was reversed, it was weird seeing him standing there, towering over me when I was so used to seeing him confined to his chair. You think he'd be shorter, what with those brittle bones of his. He eased himself into a chair shortly after, his attention now fully on a datapad in his hand. I realized that his comments was more than a simple observation but as an insult as well.

I was none too pleased.

"Your grasp for the obvious i-"

"Astounding, I know."

I shot a narrow glance his way, which had no effect as he continued to read over whatever was on the datapad. He initiated no further conversation, but his general presence had begun to make me uncomfortable and slightly agitated. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Joker, but...he tended to bring out the worst in some people, I was no exception. Fidgeting in my seat, my mind started racing over ways to excuse myself without him making a comment. I didn't want to be confronted on what had happened earlier by him, because his comments would make me realized just how much I screwed even more so than I already knew. He noticed my awkwardness, his hazel eyes flickering up from the datapad.

"What's wrong Chief? 'Fraid the cripple kid is going to do something?"

"No."

He shook his head, returning his gaze to the datapad, "Right." He tossed the datapad onto the table, adjusting himself to face me, his hands behind his head, "Hey, thanks for making the Commander go all crazy earlier. Because y'know, the ship was really lacking on crazy right now, especially the kind willing to snap your neck."

Once again I glared at him, but he remained untouched by it. We sat there for several minutes in silence, glaring at each other before Joker removed his hands from the back of his head and leaned forward, his palms falling heavily upon the surface of the table. "What the _hell _were you thinking!?"

"Wh-what do you mean!?"

He raised a brow, "Agh, don't act like you don't know! Why did you just run at her like that, you do realize you have successfully broken her down more so than she already is?"

"I-I..."

My gaze fell to my lap, "I know..."

There was nothing I was more sure of than that. When I chanced looking up, Joker had backed off, now leaning back in his chair, his arms folded across his chest. His eyes were staring over at Shepard's room, the muscles in his face tense as if he was clamping his teeth together. There was a look upon his face, it was so far off, I wondered what he was thinking. I shook my head, it had to just be simple concern, nothing more.

"Joker?"

The pilot turned his gaze away from Shepard's cabin slowly, eyes settling on me, "Huh?"

"Think she'll ever forgive me?"

He leaned forward once more, clasping his hands together as he rested his arms upon the table, shoulders slouching forward, "I'm going to be honest with you Ash," That made me flinch, whenever said that, they usually had bad news, "She's probably going to forgive you, just because she's that kind of person..." That gave me a bit of hope, even if the last bit wasn't so...endearing, "She's going to forgive you and she's going to keep on blaming herself, she'll somehow find a way to put your bullshit excuse to die on her shoulders." Hook, line and sinker...Joker had a funny way of putting things so bluntly.

"Don't you believe in God?"

His question caught me off guard, I tried to search his face for some obvious reason as to how my beliefs came into play, "I do."

"You wanted to die right? Sacrifice yourself in hopes of a very small chance your family name would be cleared, in a way, isn't that like suicide?"

"I...er, no, because I didn't kill myself." Though, my answer was hardly convincing as Joker gave me a look, the whole 'yeah right' look.

"Sure, you didn't kill yourself, but you were going to. Throwing yourself into a horde of geth and letting yourself get nuked, kinda sounds like it to me." He said with a flat tone.

I crossed my arms over my chest, face red from frustration. I don't know what Moreau was trying to get at, but whatever he was trying to accomplish was probably working. He was doing a damn good job of getting under my skin, "What's the point of this Joker?"

He shook his head, leaning back in his chair and looking back over towards Shepard's room, "Nothing actually, just trying to get a sense of your skewed logic."

"Skewed!?"

"Shut up! You're so loud!" He waved his hand quickly dismissing my outburst, "This isn't a whole, '_I'm questioning your beliefs whether God is real_' issue. I just...I don't get you sometimes. You preach about fighting to protect others, chastise the dead for offing themselves because they can't live with their grief of successfully ruining a whole bunch of people's lives...yet you were willing to throw yourself into the fire for a name." His eyes didn't move from the cabin, "You wanted to die a martyr, instead someone else gives up their own life for yours. I find your logic skewed and...well, I think you're an idiot."

"Kaidan was a good guy Ash, if he didn't believe you were worth saving he wouldn't have volunteered to throw his life away."

Again I looked down at my lap, feeling so foolish. Joker cracked me like an egg, I could already feel my insides oozing out, my previous anger at the Commander and myself pooling around my feet. He was pretty dead on and the more I thought about it, the more true it was. "You're right...you're absolutely right." I felt a few tears well up in my eyes, but for the sake of my own pride which had been pretty much shattered by the crippled pilot, I blinked them back. There would be no tears.

"Look Williams, don't beat yourself up about it. Do something about it."

I looked up rubbing the side of my cheek where the Commander had planted her fist, "What should I do?"

He shrugged, "Don't mope about Kaidan, he'd be pretty pissed at that. I think if you really want to thank him for giving you a second chance, you should help out Shepard as much as you can. This whole reaper business...she needs all the help she can get and she's not getting it from a mopey, pissed off, suicidal gunnery chief."

It took a moment to register what he said, thinking it over. When I let the words sink in I began to...understand what he was trying to do. Joker was helping me in only a way that Joker could. "Yeah, you're right. I have to stop...this, whatever it is." He pushed himself up out of the chair as did I, "Joker?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

He shook his head, picking the datapad up off the table, "Save your gratitude until after the giant cuddlefish is dead, y'know, false hope an' all."

I rolled my eyes as he began to walk off towards Shepard's cabin, "You going to talk to her?"

"Nope."

I hurried over to him, walking beside him as he limped away from the room. For a moment I had been so sure he was, "Why not?"

He looked down at the datapad, smirking to himself, "Do you not feel your face? No thanks." I stopped in front of the elevator to the cargo hold, watching him limp up the stairs. Why had he come in the down here in the first place? Long way for him to be walking around like that for no good reason, I was half expecting to see him tumble down the stairs from a misstep, but he soon disappeared from sight and I found myself standing in front of the elevator, alone. I shook my head, turning into the lift all while unpinning my hair, just so I could put it back up again.

I'd find a way to repay Shepard, if I had to go through hell and back to do it, I would.

I owe it to her, and to Kaidan.

"Watch over me from up there Lt."


	6. Remember Me

**A/N:** This chapter took entirely too long to write for how short it is! D,: I apologize to everyone hoping for an awesome Joker update, I feel I kinda...went mediocre. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, I may even re-write it, I dunno. Anyway, I really liked the idea behind the 'Remember Me' mission, but just...felt a bit detached from it. I wanted to make it a bit more personable, and I _know_ this isn't how it happened in the game, I'm following canon...loosely, plus I like to re-write scenes because it's fun. So if it's a problem for you, probably shouldn't be reading this story! xD I'd also would like to give a HUGE THANK YOU AND MUCH LOVE to all you guys that are reading this fic, who have faved it and myself and who have left reviews. All of your comments and messages are all very meaningful to me, even small THIS IS AWESOME! xD It makes me so happy to know you guys are really enjoying this, I promise to get to my messages and thank everyone personally for their reviews as soon as I can! You guys rock, and I hope I won't disappoint in the future!

* * *

**06| Remember Me...  
**

(_ S h e p a r d_ )

* * *

Worlds collide in the strangest ways, often in the places you least expected them. Lives entwined; similar threads weaving their way inside and out of others until they knot back together at the ends. I would have never thought anything from my past would come back to haunt me, to show me what could have been, what could be me. Never would I have thought to be looking into such like eyes, flinching as my own reflected so clearly in their dull surface. It was baffling to see a complete stranger and to be immediately wounded by their very presence. Her voice echoed pain, her shoulders bore heavy burdens. The girl looked at me through broken eyes in anger, her cries echoing in my head '_lies, lies, lies!_'

"She won't go back! Not to that place with the pens and chains, the master's fingers always poking and prodding! She won't!"

She cried out in defiance, the broken girl would fight, refuse her fate. For too long did she suffer, for too long did angry men abuse her, degrade her to nothing more than an animal. Her defiance resonated within me, compelled me to help her. But the gun she pointed at me would keep me at bay, not for my safety, but for her own. She seemed more likely to shoot herself than anyone else. The more I watched the girl, her face constantly sliding from one emotion to the next, the more I realized...I knew this girl. I had seen her, talked to her, played with her when she was just a simple child. As I looked at her, studying her eyes, I could see a small girl before me, bright blue eyes and long, flowing brown curls. I could see her, the girl she used to be...

"Talitha, I know you're in pain, I know you've been through so much, but what your doing is not the answer!"

In anger at my words, she pulled the gun away from me, slamming the barrel against her head, now devoid of the curly mess of hair, any trace now diminished to a dark fuzz. I would never be able to understand her pain, what she had been put through, I could just look at her eyes and see the hurt that was reflecting back at me darkly. I could never begin to imagine the horrors she went through. My own self-disgust began to well up, I had to do something, anything, to save her. I had watched my parents die, my brother taken...I couldn't watch this girl end her life because I was too stupid and blind to see.

"You were so young, but the bad men aren't here Talitha, they can't hurt you...I won't let them." Taking a step forward, she flinched, causing me to halt my advancement. Her eyes softened as tears began to flow freely down her face. Thirteen years...Thirteen years of suffering and hate, how could you save someone from that? I could hardly keep my own head above the water, how did I mean to keep hers up as well? I was more likely to drown in my own personal hatred, taking anyone that got too close with me. Talitha would just become another regret, another mistake on my part, another statistic on the chart of my own fuck ups.

The thought of that was eating me up inside.

"They dig in your brain, make you not you..." She grabbed at her head with her free hand, remembering the pain. Seeing her self-suffering made my mind break away from her to thoughts of my younger brother. Did they do this to him too? Did they beat him into submission? Did they break his spirit, strip him of his humanity? Oh God...My eyes were damp now, I wouldn't let Talitha become another number, for my brother's sake.

What if Talitha had been him?

But no matter how much courage I kept mustering to save this poor girl, apart of me was still too afraid. What if, no matter how hard I tried, all I did was push her into pulling that trigger? What could I do to stop her from herself? My feet carried me forward, disregarding my own self-doubt. I was never trained for a situation like this, a soldier talking a civilian out of suicide? If anything, most of them would want to go out together. You see things you never want to see again...what kept those soldiers going? My sudden movement startled the girl, causing her to stumble backwards, the heels of her feet finding almost no surface to support herself with. Her arms flailed about as she nearly fell off the edge of the docking platform. "Talitha!" A panic hit me as I stormed forward as the girl began to fall back, the gun falling from her hand as her back arched, there was no fear on her face as she fell, she seemed almost content which terrified me. She nearly fell from sight, I lunged my body forward, slamming down hard upon the docking platform, dangerously close to the edge myself.

"Shepard!" I could hear feet slamming on the platform behind me, I ignored the voices, throwing my right hand out and grabbing Talitha's forearm before she could slip away. A gasp rushed from her mouth as she looked up at me, angry.

"Let go! Let go!" She squirmed, trying to pry herself from my grasp.

I would never let go.

"Stop it! Stop fighting yourself Talitha, your life means more than what your doing!" I cried, I struggled to hold on to her. She did all she could to get me to let her go and I wasn't in the most prime of positions to be holding onto a girl to save her life, especially when the hand holding her was injured. Talitha was hellbent on me letting her die. I couldn't, I let too many people die, I've watched the life escape too many people I loved. I'd be damned if I let this girl go. She was shaking her head, trying to ignore my words. "You're still human! You're still worth _something_! Please Talitha I want to help you!"

Talitha tried to use her other hand to pry me off, hitting at the ceramic gauntlets as hard as she could, "Please, just let go! She's worth nothing! No one will miss her, the masters said so!" I tried to grab her other hand with mine, attempting to pull her up but she fought. Her free hand eluded my own, finally finding a part of my suit that wasn't covered in hard armor. She dug her fingers into my wrist, twisting as hard as she could. She was doing a damn good job of trying to get me to assist her in suicide, the pain shot through my arm, making it harder to keep a firm grip. Fingers began to loosen, I felt her arm slowly start to slip through my hand. I tried my best to ignore the shooting pains Talitha was inflicting on my arm. No longer could I try to grab her other hand, I was too busy trying not to let her go. All I could hold tight to was her own wrist, but still she fought. She was so determined to die.

It'd be easier to just let her go.

As I felt her hand slip out of mine, I let out a scream in anger. It was like slow-motion, her fingertips grazing my hand as she began to fall away. I had lost. So busy in my own mind I hardly noticed the body that had slammed down next to my own, white and pink flashing past the corner of my eye. Somehow, Talitha had stopped falling.

"Shepard!" Ash's voice had pulled me out of my trance, the sharp tone reminding me that we were in an urgent situation. As Talitha began to cry I grabbed her arm, Ash helping me pull the girl up and back onto the platform. As we fell back, I watched as Talitha curled up into a ball, hiding her head beneath her arms, muffled sobs filling my ears. Williams rose to her knees, placing a hand carefully upon the girl's back...

I had been like that.

Reduced to nothing more than a sad little girl, vulnerable and broken. "Talitha..."

"Why does it hurt so much...?" She sobbed, cries muffled. Her back heaved as she sputtered out words, Ash's hand still firmly upon her back. I shook my head as I inched closer to her, I reached out my hand to touch her shoulder; to comfort her. But something stopped me, held me back. My hand hovered over her shoulder, hesitating. I couldn't figure why. I glanced over towards Ashley, her dark eyes cast downwards to the back of Talitha's head, staring at the scars upon the back of her neck. I shook my head, pushing the hesitation away from my mind and lightly pressed my hand upon her shoulder.

I heard something slide across the metal floor towards me. My eyes caught the sight of a small metal tin coming my way. It stopped as it hit the edge of my boot. As I reached for it, my eyes sought the person that sent the tin my direction, they fell upon the man that had convinced me to come talk to Talitha in the first place. He waved, pointing at Talitha and I realized what was inside the tin. Opening it, I saw the tranquilizers. Furrowing my brow, trying to figure how I'd get Talitha to take them, I shook the tranquilizers onto my hand. My hand went to her back as I leaned forward, "I know it's painful, I lost so much after Mindoir, I never thought I'd be able to move on."

The girl lifted her head, looking over at me, "Y-you...you were on Mindoir?"

I nodded, I wanted to tell her that I knew her as a little girl, that I remembered playing with her and my little brother. But everytime I found those words I choked and they'd float away to the back of my mind, "I watched my parents die...I watched my brother get taken away. I remember I was so scared, too scared to move and too terrified to do anything." Shaking my head, trying to forget that feeling of helplessness, "Apart of me wanted to fight, to help my brother, but that fear held me back."

"What did you do?"

"For the longest time...nothing. I did nothing, all I could feel was anger towards myself, disgust. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror without feeling sick from my own reflection." I saw a familiar look in Talitha's own eyes, that same self-loathing, "Eventually, I had to move on. I pushed myself, promised I'd never let it happen to anyone else. I just...had to let go." Closing my eyes, I laughed on the inside, the words were hollow inside me, "I had to be strong. I remembered what happened, I always will, but I keep it in the back of my mind, to remind myself what I lost so I could keep pushing forward."

Talitha began to wipe the tears from her face, I wouldn't remove my gaze from her, I didn't want to see Ash staring me down.

"Be strong Talitha, don't let your pain consume you, force it to make you better." Funny how easily those words came out, how could I give such words of encouragement when I could barely manage to keep my own pain from completely tearing me apart? Regardless, the words seemed to have some kind of impact on Talitha as she stopped crying, her body more relaxed than before. I held my hand out to her, revealing the tranquilizers and she stared down at them, lost. "Take these, they'll make you sleep."

Her eyes snapped back up to my face, startled by the concept, "She doesn't want to have bad dreams..."

I shook my head, "You wont. They'll make the pain go away."

"She'd like that..." she took the tranquilizers from my hand, examining them for a moment before she put them in her mouth, tilting her head back to let the pills slide down her throat. They were quick to react, I reached out for her as her body began to slide forward. Slumped in my arms, she closed her eyes with a look of peace upon her face, "She doesn't want it to hurt anymore..."

"What don't you want to hurt anymore Talitha?" I asked as Williams stood up and waved Lieutenant Girard over.

Her face twitched for a moment as her breathing became deeper and shallow, "When she-" She cut herself off, "When _I..._remember me..."


End file.
